CHILD CUSTODY Achieving a Parenting Partnership Kenneth M. Dimick, EdD and Janice M. Dimick, EdD Paper, $21.95 152 pages, 5½" × 8½" ISBN 0-89390-548-8 View Table of Contents View Excerpt Quantity:

Forge a strong "parenting partnership" — even after your marriage breaks up.

Your marriage may have ended, but your children still need their mom and dad. You may be angry at or deeply hurt by your spouse, but you don't want those emotions to ruin your child's life. Drs. Janice and Kenneth Dimick, authors of Child Custody, have some good news: Most ex-spouses if given the tools can establish civil relationships with each other and build strong parenting partnerships. And their children will grow up as healthy as children from intact families.  Child Custody pulls no punches about the difficulties and then walks you step-by-step through the solution. You'll learn the prerequisites for setting up a parenting partnership, how to let go of your old marriage, how to communicate, how to balance the power between the two of you, how to establish a parenting-partner contract, and how to make your house your child's other home. This is a book that will make all the difference for you and your children.

"This practical guide is much needed by today's divorcing parents, particularly fathers... This book has the potential to save untold children from the fate of Eric, that very real boy the authors so poignantly describe." — Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, author of Healing the Bereaved Child.

About the Authors

Drs. Janice and Kenneth Dimick are marriage and family therapists, specializing in divorce and custody issues. Janice received her doctor of education degree from Ball State University. Kenneth received his doctor of education degree from the University of Arizona and is also professor emeritus in the Dept of Counseling Psychology at Ball State University. They have been married to each other for 41 years and have two children and a granddaughter.

Preface
Chapter 1 A Wake-up Call to Fathers and Mothers of Divorce

Chapter 2 The News About Divorce
                Bad News about Children of Divorce
                Long Term Risks
                Greater Risks
                Diminished Contact with Children
                Good News about Children of Divorce
                Bad News about Fathers of Divorce
                Good News about Fathers of Divorce
                Bad News about Mothers of Divorce
                Good News about Mothers of Divorce
                More News
                It Takes a Dad
                It Takes a Mom, Too
                Conclusion

Chapter 3 Divorce American Style: The Way It Really Is
                How the System Works
                Expert Opinion
                The Litigated Adversarial Divorce
                Mediation and Divorce
                Winning and Losing
                Bad Dad
                "Deadbeat Dads"
                "Disneyland Dads"
                The Traditional American Divorce
                The Nonlitigated Divorce: A One-Act Play

Chapter 4 A Better Way: The Road to a Parenting Partnership
                The Meaning of Divorce
                Parenting Partnership
                Prerequisites to Becoming a Parenting Partner
                Joint Legal Custody
                Parent Sharing
                A Cooperative Civil Relationship
                Displaying a Positive Attitude
                If You Can't Attain a True Parenting Partnership, Don't Give Up!
                The Four-Step Approach To Developing A Parenting Partnership

Chapter 5 Letting Go
                Accepting the Marriage is Over
                Grieving and Mourning the Loss of the Marriage
                Finding Yourself and Building a New Identity
                Building New Dreams and Incorporating Them into a New Lifestyle
                Holding on to Important Values and Behaviors

Chapter 6 Communication: The Key to Cooperation
               Guidelines for Effective Communication
                Special Considerations for Communicating with Your Children
                About Divorce
                Guidelines for Communication Between Parenting Partners
                "A Spoonful of Sugar"
                Eight Steps Toward Successful Negotiation Communication
                Communication in Mediation
                Making Communication Work

Chapter 7 Balancing the Power
                Reaction to Conflict
                Fight (The Power Struggle)
                Flight (The Power Disconnect)
                Negotiation (The Power Balance)
                Unbalanced Power
                Agreements Necessary to Form a Power-Balanced Parenting Partnership
                Power Balancing the Parenting Partnership

Chapter 8 The Parenting Partner Contract
                Why You Need a Contract
                What You Need in a Contract
                Financial Planning
                Where to Begin
                Disposition of the Marital Residence
                Division of Marital Assets
                Payment of Additional Debt
                Child Support
                Health Insurance
                Incidental and/or One-time Expenses
                Life Insurance
                Income Tax Deductions
                College Expenses
                Parent Sharing
                Where to Begin
                Holidays
                Weekends
                Vacations
                Right of First Refusal
                Making and Enforcing the Parent Sharing Agreements
                Communicating with Your Business Partner
                Trying Something New
                Anticipating Change
                Individualizing Parent Sharing
                Finalizing the Contract
                Mediating Your Contract
                Legalizing Your Contract
                When It Breaks …
                Diagnosing the Problem
                Diagnostic Questionnaire
                Once It Is Diagnosed …
                Additional Reading

Chapter 9 Making Your House Your Children's Other Home
                Location
                Making Your House a Home
                A Special Place
                Some Things Go and Some Things Stay -- But Most Need to be
                Duplicated
                Childproofing Your Home
                Discipline
                Chores, Homework, and School Involvement
                The Home Routine
                Children's Contact with Mother
                Memory Builders
                Celebrations, Traditions, and Mottoes
                Special Considerations for Infants and Toddlers

Chapter l0 The Road Ahead
                References

Following is the preface from Child Custody: Achieving a Parenting Partnership. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2002, Resource Publications, Inc.

 Preface

We have collaborated for more than two decades assisting families of divorce. During these years we have worked with more than 1,000 divorced and divorcing families. We have counseled in the areas of divorce prevention and reconciliation; facilitated divorce and custody adjustments with children and adults; provided hundreds of custody evaluations; guided divorce and custody mediation; and testified in court as expert witnesses more than 700 times in divorce and custody matters. The divorcing family has been the primary focus of our professional careers.

Initially, we viewed our roles as being advocates for children of divorcing families. That is, we attempted to facilitate children's adjustment to their parents' divorce, and to be watchdogs in protecting the best interests of these children.

As we became embroiled in the divorcing process, we began to recognize that all of the people involved in divorce--children, parents, grandparents, as well as other family members and friends--usually become victims of the divorce. We joined them in their pain, anger, and sorrow as we accompanied them on their journeys through the divorcing process. We ached with them as their dreams for family togetherness crumbled and shared their joys and accomplishments in producing a dignified divorce.

Our initial commitment to children of divorce has not lessened. Rather, the scope of our commitment has expanded to include all of these victims of divorce.

We have agonized over the way the system of divorce deals with the victims of divorce. Child protective agencies occasionally disregard children's legitimate cries of molestation and/or other forms of abuse because it is presumed that these are merely tactics of a custody battle. Conversely, innocent fathers are sometimes accused as perpetrators of such hideous behavior when allegations are falsified against them. Witnesses such as teachers often won't talk because they don't want to get involved. So called expert witnesses such as psychologists have been known to "sell out" in court and say whatever an attorney wants to hear in order to assure additional attorney referrals.

We have become disenchanted by the legal system that often disregards the needs of children and parents while rewarding the more proficient attorney. Sometimes, courts make inappropriate judgements based on legal technicalities, political affiliations, and so forth.

We have become disgusted with court rulings that almost guarantee that the father/child relationship will be destroyed because fathers are assumed to be parents of little importance in their children's lives.

We have occasionally left a courtroom vowing to discontinue working with divorcing families and to find a less frustrating and heartbreaking form of professional practice.

Child custody is a dirty rotten business! The saving grace for us has been that we have begun to see more and more families working together to develop a postdivorce life that is successful and satisfying for all family members.

We have found that there is a better way to divorce. Some divorcing couples are able to establish and maintain significant relationships with their children. They are able to dedicate themselves to working cooperatively as parenting partners in which the father's role is seen as being of equal significance to that of the mother's role. These parents have accomplished this by taking charge of their own divorce instead of being eaten alive emotionally and financially by a system that devastates the entire family.

We see hopeful trends that indicate that the divorcing process is undergoing positive change: Legislation that promotes joint and shared custody; mediation that gives the parents the power to tailor their own divorce and custody agreement specifically to their family's needs and wishes, and allows the divorcing family to avoid the dehumanization of the adversarial/litigated process; and the emergence of fathers as significant entities in a parenting partnership. All of these positive movements appear on the horizon.

This book is written as a guide to both fathers and mothers involved in the divorcing process in hope of ensuring a happier and healthier life for all members of the divorcing family. We offer suggestions to humanize divorce and to steer parents away from the traditional system that is devastating children, parents, grandparents, relatives, and friends alike.

We recognize that, as with any system that requires change, there needs to be a starting point to create positive change. It is our experience that the only effective place to begin this change is with both parents. Few mothers are aware of the devastating consequences to their children from the lack of father-child involvement. Fathers often don't understand their own importance in their children's healthy growth and development. Mothers are often comfortably secure in the fact that they traditionally "win" sole possession of their children in court. Grandparents, other extended family members, and friends often "take sides," but rarely have the power to intervene. Above all, parents can't wait for the legal system to introduce meaningful change; it has too much to lose financially.

It is those fathers who desperately desire a close, involved relationship with their children, and those mothers who become aware of the critical significance of the continuing involvement between fathers and their children who must wake up to their responsibilities. If they don't make it happen, it won't happen. It is for this reason that we emphasize the parents' role in initiating and developing the process that will end the devastation to their children and to themselves.